Lay down your burdens

It is early morning and I am tired and frustrated. I have spent the last two nights tossing and turning unable to sleep. I keep worrying about all kind of things. My life is busy right now, my oldest three are in a musical and the next three weeks consist of late nights and long days of rehearsals. I have many details to work out, a messy house, and unfinished home school lessons. I chatted with a lady yesterday who told me her family had completed all their home school lessons and would be done next week. That immediately made my heart sink. That is not our reality here at the Brown home school. I worry about changes ahead , my eldest has one more year of high school, we have been talking about colleges. I want with all my heart for him to do what God wants for his life, and I also want with all my heart for him never to grow up! Church changes, relationship changes, loneliness, missing Julie. I toss and turn in bed , running things over in my mind. Like some mental hamster wheel. Worry, prayer, worry , prayer, lay it down , pick it up. What seems manageable in the daytime seems overwhelming at night.
So I get up and make a cup of tea and read Isaiah. The verses I have underlined and read over and over again. It is an often traveled path.

In repentance and rest is your salvation
in quietness and trust is your strength (Is. 30:15)

Surely this our God, we trusted in Him and he saved us (Is 25:9)
You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in you (Is 26:3)

There are so many more verses. Often at times like this I long for a quiet space , I want to freeze frame my life and have a space of time to think, order my world. But I never have big chunks of time and life is always like this. I want to leran to find peace and joy in the midst of this season and the many seasons that will come. These verses encourage me and bring my focus where it needs to be on Him. I may need to read them again in 10 minutes.
So I will rest, and trust and lay down these burdens. I will keep coming back to these words as many times as I need to and I will pray.



Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water ..
Calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm really watching
While you struggle on your way
Call on my name, Ill com

I give vision to the blind
I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of hell
And I've returned
I've seen those sleepless night
And Count every tear you cry
Some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
-Amy Grant

Love Steeped in Silence

On Silence:
First ,silence makes us pilgrims
Secondly, silence guards the fire within
Thirdly, silence teaches us to speak
-Henri Nouwen

I wrote the post below awhile back, it is good for me to revisit these thoughts as I contemplate silence this Lenten season. I would say that silence, outer and inner silence, teaches me to listen.....






It all started with a flood. Actually it started before the flood. I have limped though this past year picking up burdens, letting joy seep out of me, tired and weary. I had big plans for the weekend. David was going to take the kids away for the weekend and I was going to plan, pray, and map out my course for the next year. The house would be quiet and clutter free. And then our basement flooded. The house was noisy: 19 large industrial fans and dehumidifiers blowing 24/7. And messy: all the basement stuff everywhere, and the house filled with all sorts of people. I had a big pity party the first night, then I remembered that my heavenly Father knows what I need, and based on what happened, I did not need a weekend alone. I did spend some time praying and thinking and feeling like God just wants me to rest in him and wait on Him. I do not wait well. I like to plan, to have life all figured out. I had the book "Sacrament of the Present Moment" on my bedside table for some time, so I decided it was time to pick it up. With the book before me, I began to read and pray.

God speaks to us through what happens to us moment by moment. Our single duty is to fix our eyes on Him listen and obey.


So we leave God to act in everything reserving ourselves only to love and obedience of the present moment. For this is our eternal duty , this compelling love steeped in silence is required of every soul.


Compelling love steeped in silence, that line has stirred my soul. I am a person who does not like noise, it wearies me. I live in a house with a lot of noise. I often say: "No unnecessary noise!"

I realized that I have been weighed down with too heavy of a yoke, by allowing the daily burdens to become big, by not trusting Him to act in every moment. My love for Him has not been steeped in silence, but filled with the noise of the endless chatter that goes on in my head: voices of doubt, fatigue, plans, solutions. My cry has been "Lord , help me, show me." Then I resume the inner dialogue of what I think seems best. It is not like I have stood up and defiantly said "No, God, I will not listen." I have slowly drifted and carried a burden I was not intended to carry. How did I get here? When did I stop listening? It is not a solution I am seeking but a relationship, with a fixed gaze on the beloved of my soul.



Pure and simple, and sure, it is a straight path along which souls walk with courage and faith , looking neither to the left or the right , unconcerned with everything else....in short they are active in everything needed for the fulfilment of their duty in the present moment, but passive, submissive and self forgetting in everything else only meekly waiting on the divine will..





I read this and tears spring up and I think "That's it? That is all I have to do? I can lay down this burden that has cramped and pinched my soul and be like a child and take no thought for tomorrow because it is in my father's hands? I can let him carry the burden?" If His will for me is in the present moment, I am grieved to think of all I have missed, what have I not heard because I was thinking about tomorrow or next week. How many times have I looked at a loved one pretending to listen but my mind racing thinking of something else? How many times have I sought direction from books or blogs and not listened to Him in the moment? So I am trying to be more intentional with my present moments, for example a conversation with my teenage son in the early morning over tea. Moments such as these are truly sacred. God is here in this moment showing me the heart of my child. This moment is sacred, I can never get it back. It is filled with purpose, His purpose for me.


The hour through which you are at present passing, the man whom you meet here and now, the task on which you are engaged at this very moment- these are always the most important in your whole life.- Paul Evdokimov

So here I am trying trying by His grace to love with a love that is steeped in silence in these important moments in my life....


....this is my prayer....


....this is my hope....

I am an avid reader, a fan of books from when I was little. I remember going into the library at my school and being filled with angst when I could only check out three books. I used to hide the books I wanted to get the next time I came! I remember sitting after lunch and listening to my 4th grade teacher read one chapter of Tom Sawyer , the longing for just one more chapter. I have always read to my kids. Piles and piles of books. I have a list of essentials that I try to structure my days around . Reading aloud is one of those essentials. It gets harder to do as the kids get older. It is hard to read aloud to five children ages 17-4. At times I let it go by the wayside for awhile, but when I feel our family ties are frayed a bit ,I always start reading again. It is not just hearing a good story, reading unites us as a family. There is so much in this world that tries to divide us. Yes, a 17 year old teenage boy and a 4 year old little girl (and all the ages between ) can sit and listen together to The Life of Helen Keller, The Hobbit, Little Britches. I like to think that when the teenagers are no longer here, the little ones will have memories of sitting with their bigger siblings and reading. It is not always easy, we have many distractions but I continue to do it. Sometimes in long stretches,sometimes in short. Reading good books does so much for us. I am reading an excellent book about reading "Read for the Heart" by Sarah Clarkson. I want to give this book to every mom I know! Sarah says we "read to live." Reading awakens our hearts, gives us a strong mind, a steadfast soul. She goes on to recommend the best books for any age level, great living books that feed our soul. Great books that show us beauty, and ultimately point us to God.

So I encourage you to grab a good book , make some hot chocolate and read to your kids ,the big ones and little ones.......

THE READING MOTHER
Strickland Gillilan
I HAD A MOTHER who read to me

Sagas of pirates who scoured the sea,

Cutlasses clenched in their yellow teeth,

"Blackbirds" stowed in the hold beneath

I had a Mother who read me lays

Of ancient and gallant and golden days;

Stories of Marmion and Ivanhoe,

Which every boy has a right to know.

I had a Mother who read me tales

Of Celert the hound of the hills of Wales,

True to his trust till his tragic death,

Faithfulness blent with his final breath.

I had a Mother who read me the things

That wholesome life to the boy heart brings

Stories that stir with an upward touch,

Oh, that each mother of boys were such.

You may have tangible wealth untold;

Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.

Richer than I you can never be --I had a Mother who read to me.

Forgiveness

This Sunday was Forgiveness Sunday in the Orthodox church. It is a time when a person stands in a line and asks everyone else in the line to forgive him for the sins he has committed against them. They in turn say something similar to "I forgive you as God forgives you." Some even prostrate themselves before each person. Everyone does this with each other person, one long line of forgiveness. This is my loose understanding of this, as we are not Orthodox.
Today we decided to do this in our Sunday morning prayer time. We said some prayers and stood in line to ask forgiveness of each other. The tears sprang into my eyes at the start. There is something amazing and humbling about looking into the eyes of someone you live with and asking their forgiveness. Typically, my forgiveness goes like this.... "Do you forgive me for getting angry at you? But I was tired, you disobeyed, etc., etc." Forgiveness with a foot note. But as I stood before the people I love the most in my life the tears started coming. I put my hands on each person's face and looked into each pair of eyes and asked "Do you forgive me for all the sins I have commited against you?" Six pairs of eyes , down the line I went. Hazel eyes, blue eyes, chocolate brown eyes. "Do you forgive me?" I say to my son, who has become a man and stands taller than me. He probably has the most to forgive, because he has been around the longest. "Do you forgive me?" I say to my beautiful daughter, who is so kind , helpful and cheerful. I know I take her for granted sometimes. Looking into the eyes of the person I love the most, my husband, "Do you forgive me??" The deep brown eyes of my two little girls whom , although I did not give birth to them, I love deeply and I know I do not always show it. The hazel eyes of the little boy that makes me laugh the most. He has a strong personality and an equally tender heart, that I know I trample on that sometimes. They all say , "Yes, Mom, we forgive you." They forgive so easily. They do not realize all they have to forgive, the inner thoughts, struggles , irritations, and anger that I have harbored at times. I love these dear ones more than anyone, and they are the ones I need forgiveness from the most. These are the ones that see me working out my salvation with fear and trembling in the walls of this house and in the framework of our daily life.



I am so thankful to have the opportunity to walk the path to Christ with this family, we help each other on this path. Tomorrow, tonight, probably in the next hour there will be something else to forgive. Help me Lord on this journey....


O Lord and Master of my life,

Grant not unto me a spirit of idleness,

of discouragement,

of lust for power

and of vain speaking.
But bestow upon me, Thy servant,

the spirit of chastity,

of meekness,

of patience,

and of love.
Yea, O Lord and King,

grant that I may perceivemy own transgressions,

and judge not my brother,

for blessed art Thou unto ages of ages. Amen.

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

(St. Ephraim)


Col. 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

-this post is from the archives

The Joy and the Challenge of the Family Photo

Praying for my children.....

We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints - the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven. . . For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God. Col. 1:3-4, 9-10


I have been reading Colossians for a few days now, I am always struck by the strong love Paul feels for his "children". He is always encouraging and praying. I am struck by the first verses, when he thanks God for the good he sees in the church at Colosse. I have strong love and passion for my children, but often when I pray for them it is not to thank God for the good, or the Christ I see in them. I start my laundry list of things I see that need changed, attitudes and behaviors I want God to develop. I worry over them, my thoughts filling my mind and prayers.


I noticed also that Paul prays simply for God to fill them with the knowledge of His will. Actually he says, "I have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will." I have been thinking about this.


The time I spend worrying, thinking and talking about (or to) my children seems to be more than the time I spend praying. Once again I use too many words. I want to start my prayers with gratitude and thanksgiving for the Christ I see in them, the little victories on this journey. I want to ask God to give them the wisdom to discern His will, and then I want to be silent and trust Him. For their Heavenly Father knows what they need. He knows how to grow good fruit more than I ever will. I also want to spend more time praying, not talking. So instead of launching into a lecture, I need to be silent and pray.


These are the goals I am striving for:

Gratitude

Silence

Prayer

Prayer before words

Thanksgiving before supplication.

Silence and trust

Return

They are back!!! David, Davis and Anna have been gone for two weeks in Bulgaria on a mission trip and now they are back! How I missed them. I knew I would and I was a little concerned about how I was going to make it without my teenagers' help. Everyone kept saying "Oh, you really are going to miss the big kids, they are your main help." They are and I did miss their help. But I missed them in other ways.

I missed Anna's smile, she is always smiling and it is so nice to be greeted by a smile. Her children will be blessed by her in many ways but mainly because she smiles. I could learn a lesson from her! She is always singing too! I miss the fact that she is another womanly presence, I remember when I had her I thought " a girl, she will know what it is like to be me!" And she does , by that I mean she knows what to do , there is something reassuring about being with another woman in the kitchen enjoying fellowship and working side by side........Anna is there now, she understands what needs to happen and does it and we have this shared goal together, this purpose. I am so glad to have her as a daughter and a friend.

Davis, my firstborn , first of all ,I missed his music. It fills our house not just the actual notes but the words and heart behind it all. He is a dreamer and I missed his heart , it is large and full and thoughtful. He talks to me in the early morning. . I always come away thinking ,"this is my child, wow." I like the person he is . He is insightful , loves words and thoughts. I am richer in my life for it. He is tender with the little girls. There is nothing more heartwarming to me than to see a big man sized boy holding the hand of his little sister. His wife and children will be blessed by his tenderness. I could learn a lesson from him also.

David- well , all I can say is I missed all of him. Our 23rd anniversary came and went while He was gone, I have known him and loved him since I was a teenager and he has made me laugh every single day I have known him. He has made me laugh when I was mad , on some of the darkest days of my life. Laughter truly is good medicine. Sometimes I am so caught up in all I have to do that I can start to grumble inwardly and think he needs to help me more. But the way he helps me ( I noticed it in His absence) is that he makes me laugh, he holds me up, he listens. Every morning he listens , even for a few moments as I try to share what I was pondering in my quiet time., I missed those talks.

Sometimes it is easy to take for granted those God gives us. I am guilty of that too often, Sometimes we need to sit down and remember those unique qualities that make us grateful for those in our lives. and then tell them.



I thank my God every time i remember you. Phil. 1:3

Focused, Intentional Love, part two

John 13:1-5
It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

So he got up....the scene is set, the time has come to be betrayed, beaten, mocked, and killed. How did He do this? How did He take the time to love like this, especially on the very night with all that was about to unfold? He knew His purpose. The Bible says Jesus knew. He knew who He was, where He had come from, and where He was going. So he got up and loved the disciples in a very personal way.

I was created by God to live and walk this path as the mother of the children He has placed in my home. As wife to my husband and helper and encourager to my brother-in-law. God put me here at this place and on this path, for a reason. This is my purpose. He has put these souls in my care for just a short time and I am to love and nurture them. To show them Christ as we journey together. No one tells you when you are looking at the cute baby outfits in the store that it will be hard at times to love your children. I did not know how hard this path would be, how much of my own sin would stare back at me. Love is hard, because you cannot check it off, because you will always have to grow in love. Every day, every moment, you will have the opportunity to love so much.

How do I do this? By grace. I follow the example of my Savior. He did not complain, or feel that this was a burden, but that it was an act of love; focused, intentional love. So by His grace, I need not complain about how much work I have to do, and not get overwhelmed or anxious about the task ahead of me. By his grace I need to remember my purpose, by His grace I need to set forth to do it in His love.

John 13:35 By this all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Focused, Intentional Love, part one

Having loved His own who were in the world, He now showed them the full extent of his love John 13:1

Focused , intentional love.... that phrase keeps going through my mind as I walk through my days ......focused, intentional. Often I am not focused but distracted, not intentional but reacting.
Jesus-on the most difficult night of his life-showed this kind of love. He washed his disciples' feet. In humility and service, the Lord of the universe performed this act of service. He did not have to do it; the disciples did not deserve or understand it. Peter even protested. But He did it anyway. It was very intentional, very personal. He did not seem to rush through it. He took off his outer garment and wrapped it around His waist, washed and dried, each dirty foot being very dear to him. He knew what was ahead and yet he stooped down to do this. This is the full extent of his love, this focused and intentional love.

Many times a day I feel like I am serving my children. But am I focused? Am I intentional? So much is swirling around me, laundry, meals, squabbles, school books, etc. I run through the assembly line. Teeth brushed? Check. Bed made? Check. Math done? Check. How often do I stop, take off my outer garment, kneel down, hold the feet of these loved ones tenderly? Really listen? Connect? Hear the words they are trying to convey? Too often, my agenda is more important than their words. Jesus did not wash their feet because they were dirty (and indeed they were). If that were the only reason, someone else could have done this chore. He did it because He loved them and saw them as souls to fill with love, not projects to be checked off.
Help me, Lord, to understand this, burn it in my heart, help me to love as you do.

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13:14-17

(picture: three-year-old Ella's feet)

Like A River Glorious

Philipians 2:1-3 If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete, by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition but in humility consider others better than yourselves


John 15:17 This is my commandment, love one another.


We are commanded to love one another. It seems like a simple command, but so hard to do. In this house we love each other, or at least we try to. But not a day goes by when words or actions, many times my own, show a lack of love. We can be irritable in this family, easily offended and sharp tongued. The seamless garment of family unity that I long for is frayed, thin, and has a few holes in places. These thin palces show everywhere: sharp words to little ones, sarcastic comments, locked doors, ignoring a cry for help becacuse eyes are glued to a screen, a rude "shhhh!' to a loud voice. It shows in more subtle ways: not listening, not looking in each other's eyes, not slowing down to connect.

It is easy to justify this. We are together ALL day. Ten different people, all different ages and personalities. All sinners. A teeneager wants his "own space." A mom needs a break from the relentless responsibilities. A brother doesn't want to play with his sister. We are cooped up in cold and snow. But these are all excuses. We are acting out of selfish ambition, not considering others first, but thinking of only what "I want." We are sinners, frayed selfish sinners.

I think, on the harder days, "How did we get here?" Mainly I recall my own poor example. Are we too busy, too busy to connect with one another? Are we not taking the time to look to The One who connects us? This family overlows, like a river that skips it's bank. It is a river that never seems to stay in the neat boundaries that I desire for it. It runs on, this life of ours, like a wild river...and I feel powerless to stop it. But He is the one changes hearts and the course of a river (Pr. 21:1). He is the one working in us, completing the good work that He has begun in us. My confidence needs to be in Him (Phil 1:6) not in my self, a new book, or system. He put us here together in this family, to learn to love each other for His purpose.

So we try by His grace to mend what is frayed. Start with me Lord. Change me. Show me where I am selfish. Show me how to choose others. Mend the holes. Strengthen the weak places. Make us one, having one spirit, love, and purpose. We are a river, a strong river. Help us to flow together.

Like a river glorious is God’s perfect peace, Over all victorious, in its bright increase; Perfect, yet it floweth fuller every day, Perfect, yet it groweth deeper all the way - Frances R. Havergal