Love Steeped in Silence

On Silence:
First ,silence makes us pilgrims
Secondly, silence guards the fire within
Thirdly, silence teaches us to speak
-Henri Nouwen

I wrote the post below awhile back, it is good for me to revisit these thoughts as I contemplate silence this Lenten season. I would say that silence, outer and inner silence, teaches me to listen.....






It all started with a flood. Actually it started before the flood. I have limped though this past year picking up burdens, letting joy seep out of me, tired and weary. I had big plans for the weekend. David was going to take the kids away for the weekend and I was going to plan, pray, and map out my course for the next year. The house would be quiet and clutter free. And then our basement flooded. The house was noisy: 19 large industrial fans and dehumidifiers blowing 24/7. And messy: all the basement stuff everywhere, and the house filled with all sorts of people. I had a big pity party the first night, then I remembered that my heavenly Father knows what I need, and based on what happened, I did not need a weekend alone. I did spend some time praying and thinking and feeling like God just wants me to rest in him and wait on Him. I do not wait well. I like to plan, to have life all figured out. I had the book "Sacrament of the Present Moment" on my bedside table for some time, so I decided it was time to pick it up. With the book before me, I began to read and pray.

God speaks to us through what happens to us moment by moment. Our single duty is to fix our eyes on Him listen and obey.


So we leave God to act in everything reserving ourselves only to love and obedience of the present moment. For this is our eternal duty , this compelling love steeped in silence is required of every soul.


Compelling love steeped in silence, that line has stirred my soul. I am a person who does not like noise, it wearies me. I live in a house with a lot of noise. I often say: "No unnecessary noise!"

I realized that I have been weighed down with too heavy of a yoke, by allowing the daily burdens to become big, by not trusting Him to act in every moment. My love for Him has not been steeped in silence, but filled with the noise of the endless chatter that goes on in my head: voices of doubt, fatigue, plans, solutions. My cry has been "Lord , help me, show me." Then I resume the inner dialogue of what I think seems best. It is not like I have stood up and defiantly said "No, God, I will not listen." I have slowly drifted and carried a burden I was not intended to carry. How did I get here? When did I stop listening? It is not a solution I am seeking but a relationship, with a fixed gaze on the beloved of my soul.



Pure and simple, and sure, it is a straight path along which souls walk with courage and faith , looking neither to the left or the right , unconcerned with everything else....in short they are active in everything needed for the fulfilment of their duty in the present moment, but passive, submissive and self forgetting in everything else only meekly waiting on the divine will..





I read this and tears spring up and I think "That's it? That is all I have to do? I can lay down this burden that has cramped and pinched my soul and be like a child and take no thought for tomorrow because it is in my father's hands? I can let him carry the burden?" If His will for me is in the present moment, I am grieved to think of all I have missed, what have I not heard because I was thinking about tomorrow or next week. How many times have I looked at a loved one pretending to listen but my mind racing thinking of something else? How many times have I sought direction from books or blogs and not listened to Him in the moment? So I am trying to be more intentional with my present moments, for example a conversation with my teenage son in the early morning over tea. Moments such as these are truly sacred. God is here in this moment showing me the heart of my child. This moment is sacred, I can never get it back. It is filled with purpose, His purpose for me.


The hour through which you are at present passing, the man whom you meet here and now, the task on which you are engaged at this very moment- these are always the most important in your whole life.- Paul Evdokimov

So here I am trying trying by His grace to love with a love that is steeped in silence in these important moments in my life....


....this is my prayer....


....this is my hope....

Return

They are back!!! David, Davis and Anna have been gone for two weeks in Bulgaria on a mission trip and now they are back! How I missed them. I knew I would and I was a little concerned about how I was going to make it without my teenagers' help. Everyone kept saying "Oh, you really are going to miss the big kids, they are your main help." They are and I did miss their help. But I missed them in other ways.

I missed Anna's smile, she is always smiling and it is so nice to be greeted by a smile. Her children will be blessed by her in many ways but mainly because she smiles. I could learn a lesson from her! She is always singing too! I miss the fact that she is another womanly presence, I remember when I had her I thought " a girl, she will know what it is like to be me!" And she does , by that I mean she knows what to do , there is something reassuring about being with another woman in the kitchen enjoying fellowship and working side by side........Anna is there now, she understands what needs to happen and does it and we have this shared goal together, this purpose. I am so glad to have her as a daughter and a friend.

Davis, my firstborn , first of all ,I missed his music. It fills our house not just the actual notes but the words and heart behind it all. He is a dreamer and I missed his heart , it is large and full and thoughtful. He talks to me in the early morning. . I always come away thinking ,"this is my child, wow." I like the person he is . He is insightful , loves words and thoughts. I am richer in my life for it. He is tender with the little girls. There is nothing more heartwarming to me than to see a big man sized boy holding the hand of his little sister. His wife and children will be blessed by his tenderness. I could learn a lesson from him also.

David- well , all I can say is I missed all of him. Our 23rd anniversary came and went while He was gone, I have known him and loved him since I was a teenager and he has made me laugh every single day I have known him. He has made me laugh when I was mad , on some of the darkest days of my life. Laughter truly is good medicine. Sometimes I am so caught up in all I have to do that I can start to grumble inwardly and think he needs to help me more. But the way he helps me ( I noticed it in His absence) is that he makes me laugh, he holds me up, he listens. Every morning he listens , even for a few moments as I try to share what I was pondering in my quiet time., I missed those talks.

Sometimes it is easy to take for granted those God gives us. I am guilty of that too often, Sometimes we need to sit down and remember those unique qualities that make us grateful for those in our lives. and then tell them.



I thank my God every time i remember you. Phil. 1:3

Focused, Intentional Love, part two

John 13:1-5
It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.
The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

So he got up....the scene is set, the time has come to be betrayed, beaten, mocked, and killed. How did He do this? How did He take the time to love like this, especially on the very night with all that was about to unfold? He knew His purpose. The Bible says Jesus knew. He knew who He was, where He had come from, and where He was going. So he got up and loved the disciples in a very personal way.

I was created by God to live and walk this path as the mother of the children He has placed in my home. As wife to my husband and helper and encourager to my brother-in-law. God put me here at this place and on this path, for a reason. This is my purpose. He has put these souls in my care for just a short time and I am to love and nurture them. To show them Christ as we journey together. No one tells you when you are looking at the cute baby outfits in the store that it will be hard at times to love your children. I did not know how hard this path would be, how much of my own sin would stare back at me. Love is hard, because you cannot check it off, because you will always have to grow in love. Every day, every moment, you will have the opportunity to love so much.

How do I do this? By grace. I follow the example of my Savior. He did not complain, or feel that this was a burden, but that it was an act of love; focused, intentional love. So by His grace, I need not complain about how much work I have to do, and not get overwhelmed or anxious about the task ahead of me. By his grace I need to remember my purpose, by His grace I need to set forth to do it in His love.

John 13:35 By this all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.

Focused, Intentional Love, part one

Having loved His own who were in the world, He now showed them the full extent of his love John 13:1

Focused , intentional love.... that phrase keeps going through my mind as I walk through my days ......focused, intentional. Often I am not focused but distracted, not intentional but reacting.
Jesus-on the most difficult night of his life-showed this kind of love. He washed his disciples' feet. In humility and service, the Lord of the universe performed this act of service. He did not have to do it; the disciples did not deserve or understand it. Peter even protested. But He did it anyway. It was very intentional, very personal. He did not seem to rush through it. He took off his outer garment and wrapped it around His waist, washed and dried, each dirty foot being very dear to him. He knew what was ahead and yet he stooped down to do this. This is the full extent of his love, this focused and intentional love.

Many times a day I feel like I am serving my children. But am I focused? Am I intentional? So much is swirling around me, laundry, meals, squabbles, school books, etc. I run through the assembly line. Teeth brushed? Check. Bed made? Check. Math done? Check. How often do I stop, take off my outer garment, kneel down, hold the feet of these loved ones tenderly? Really listen? Connect? Hear the words they are trying to convey? Too often, my agenda is more important than their words. Jesus did not wash their feet because they were dirty (and indeed they were). If that were the only reason, someone else could have done this chore. He did it because He loved them and saw them as souls to fill with love, not projects to be checked off.
Help me, Lord, to understand this, burn it in my heart, help me to love as you do.

Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13:14-17

(picture: three-year-old Ella's feet)