The Seed

I am the seed

So small, so dry,

Lifted in the hand

Of the silent Sower.

Into the earth

I fearfully fall,

Darkness covers me,

Silence surrounds me.

The terror of my heart

Is the only sound

To keep me company.

All that is me

Huddles together

Trying desperately

Not to surrender

Any part of the self.

“Why was I planted?”
I cry out.

“Why am I here?”

I entreat.

“Take me out into the light;

I cannot bear

This deathly dark.”

I weary. I weaken.

The days become long.

I can no longer fight.

I surrender

In this lonely place

Of waiting.

Quietly I sense

A penetrating warmth;

It surrounds me;

It fills me

And blesses my pain.

In a moment

Of peacefulness

I forget my fear.

I let go of my self

And suddenly

The husk that holds me

Weakens and breaks.

“No!” I scream.

I am losing my self,

But it is too late.

The husk is cracked;

I cannot be contained.

It is then

That I sense a power

Deep inside of me,

Encouraging me,

“Let go. Let go. Let go.”

It is an energy

That pushes the husk

Until it falls away.

As it slips aside

My eyes behold color.

Ah! Can it be?

A tiny glimpse of green!

“How could that be?”
I marvel,

“There was never green

In the heart of me.”

Yet, it is there;

Each day

It slowly stretches upwards

To where the warm

Seems to be.

I become less of a seed.

I am losing my self.

But the pain I once knew

Is lost in surprise;

Something wonderful

Deep within my heart

Is greening and growing.

Days go quickly now.

I become one

With the small stem of life.

Oh! The glorious moment

When, ah, breath of Spring

Fast fills my face.

I move through the hard earth

And taste the world which awaits my arrival.

From within my tender shoot

Comes a soft sound.

I listen. I hear.

It is a song to the Sower:

O Sower of seeds,

Did you always see

The gift of green

That was hiding in me?

O Sower of seeds,

How came you to praise

The beauty within

That I hid from my eyes?

O Sower of seeds,

The husk has been broken;

All praise to you

For helping me open.

Accept now my praise

My thankfulness, too,

For the seed you have sown

And the gift you grew.

May you lead me to others

Who await your good word,

So the seed within them

Can awaken and be heard.

Amen! Alleluia!

-Joyce Rupp

Fasting from food is not the only way to hunger. I hunger for God when I empty myself of my own agenda, ideas, and strength. I learn to die, to let Him put me in the darkness and let him grow me into what He wants me to be. I often hunger for God, but grab the first thing that glitters as an easy way out. It is hard to wait to be filled, so I feast on food that does not satisfy.

Is 55: Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest fare.

I need to wait and listen, to be still and let him fill me...

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength. Is.30:15

Learning To Die (Lent)

All along I thought I was learning how to take,

How to bend not how to break

How to live ,not how to cry

But really I've been learning how to die

I've been learning how to die.' "

-Jon Foreman

Learning How To Die. . .. All of life is learning to die. This dying to self we do everyday. Letting God chip away at our hearts of stone to give us hearts of flesh.

Ezekiel 11:19 (New International Version)
"I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh."

Hearts that sing for Him and not for ourselves. . . I have been thinking about all of this during this season and past Lenten seasons. Lent is a journey, a dying to self. I always start strong, ready on my own power to fast, pray, and give. Fasting shows what controls us, yet also creates in us a hunger for God. But in the middle of Lent( or earlier) I hit a low, my own self sufficiency crumbles and I want to give up.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. (Gal 5:16-17)

Why fast anyway? Many people don't. Then the justification starts. Fasting reveals much in me. . . I spend time thinking about what I want to eat, or what I cannot eat, wondering if a blueberry muffin is dessert or bread. I am not trying to be legalistic. Eating is not a sin, but fasting reveals sinfulness in me. My first instinct with all my sins is the need to justify myself. Or I feel like just giving up, and giving in to my selfishness. I have so many times found myself inconstant, not keeping firmly to my purpose, all because I am trying to do this on my own strength. I read this recently;

Fasting is an expression of love and devotion in which one sacrifices earthly satisfaction to obtain the heavenly. Altogether too much of one's thoughts are taken up with care for sustanence and the enticement of the palate; one wishes to be free from them. Thus fasting is a step on the road to emancipation and an indispensable support in the struggle against selfish desires. Together with prayer, fasting is one of our greatest gifts. (The Way of the Ascetics, Tito Colliander)

Fasting should take something out of us and make room for Him. What I realize on this journey is that I need Him. I need to look to the Lord as my strength. I cannot do any of this on my own. He came and gave His life for me. If I am spending all my fasting time thinking about what I cannot eat, I am completely missing the point. It seems that there is so much in life that presses us down and crowds God out.

So by giving up, what am I making room for? For Christ , by fasting I am becoming less so He can become more. I am also making room for...

Gratitude: When I am hungry, I should be thankful for the food I have, and that I have never had to watch my child go hungry. I take this for granted. I need to remember that so many people around this world are hungry, need to pray for them, to try and help them.

Love: When I give up something like the Internet, or business, it should create in me a quiet heart, one that listens and looks with love into the eyes of my family. Isn't it interesting that I shoo away a child because I am on the Internet reading a blog on motherhood?

Trust: Giving up spending money develops a heart of trust in me. He does provide all that we need.

Humility: Apart from Him I can do nothing.

John 15:5 (New International Version)
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

The song says learning to bend and not to break, but to break is what I want, to learn to die to myself, and to become less so He can become more.

3:30 (New International Version)
"He must become greater; I must become less."

John

John 12:24 (New International Version)
"I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

(photo of winter sunset over Lake Michigan taken by Anna)