Losing Will

You must never lose faith You must never lose heart God will restore your trust And I know you're afraid I'm as scared as you are But willing to be brave Brave enough for love

Lyrics from Jane Eyre: a Musical Drama

Seven years ago this month I handed my ten week old son, Will, to my husband and watched him walk out the door with the baby to take him to a lawyer who would give him back to his birth father. The pain of that moment is still vivid in my mind. The tears of my older two children, who were 9 and 7. The questions, the grief. We went away to a hotel that weekend, trying to distract the kids with a pool and some family fun. I was miserable and remember hoping that when I got home, by some miracle Will would be on my doorstep. That maybe God would return him to me and I could get on with my life, bypassing this terrible pain. Those first few weeks were horrible. I would walk outside on the chilly November nights, look up at the sky and wonder if he was okay. Did they know how he liked to be held? That he was fussy at a certain time? I knew in my heart that this child would never remember me or the three children who loved him and called him their brother. We had taken a risk by trying to adopt and love another child. I remember resolving not to love so much anymore because love hurts so much; it is heartbreaking. I could not understand why God would allow this to happen. But it did happen. I look back on the journals I wrote seven years ago, and I wince when I see the pain poured out on those pages. However, I am also astonished by the hope I see. I clearly had hope. Maybe at first the hope was that God would save the day, rushing in and changing the circumstances, returning my baby back to my arms. Then hope that He would not leave me comfortless, that His compassion would not end and there would be joy in the morning. All I know is seven years later, I still do not understand the why. . . but I do know that although love is always a risk, love is worth it every time. Love changes you and everything around you.
I also know that we cannot lose hope, even though we seem to be gasping for breath and the discouragement threatens to overcome. We must hope in a God who comforts and redeems. It is a lesson I have had to cling to in the past few years not just because of losing Will, but also losing my sister to cancer. Not just those big things either, but the little deaths that happen daily in this life. To love and to hope is my prayer this morning, and to be brave enough by His grace to love...

Lamentations 3:19-26

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;

It is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.